Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Rapport Myths and Facts

A word that gets thrown around a lot when guys discuss
pickup is "rapport," the idea of forging a connection with
a woman you are interested in.

Rapport is highly misunderstood. One example of this
misunderstanding is the idea that "rapport" is a phase that
one goes through, in a chronological process of courtship.

This is not completely untrue. Typically when a man and
woman meet, the first couple minutes are defined by light,
playful give-and-take, followed by more intellectually
involved conversation.

As the conversation progresses, it becomes more demanding
in terms of how much mental effort is required to hold up
your end of the interaction.

People use terms like "serious" or "deep" or "stimulating"
to describe this aspect of a romantically-intended
conversation.

But this does not define rapport.

Rapport is not a part of an interaction. It is not a phase.
Nor is it something can be defined beyond one word:

Affinity.

Affinity: 1. A natural attraction, liking, or feeling of
kinship.
2. Relationship by marriage.
3. An inherent similarity between persons or things.

We are concerned with the first and third of these
definitions.

To understand affinity, you must combine these definitions,
and also add to the mix, the concept of attraction as
defined in the traditional sense - the perception of having
value.

Keep in mind this is not the functional definition we use
in our teachings, but rather the general definition of
attraction as it has been understood traditionally.

Affinity, when it comes to rapport, is about a) feeling
that the other person has value to offer you, and b) you
feel that they share with you a fundamental worldview, or
basic perception of life.

Let's look at what makes someone attractive, i.e. valuable
to another.

Simply put, if you have the desire to be with someone, to
pay attention to them, and have them pay attention to you,
then you feel attracted to that person.

So what makes you want to spend time with someone?

Many things - maybe they can teach you something, or you
feel really comfortable around them.

Maybe they make you laugh, or they laugh at your jokes more
than others - you understand them, and they understand you.

Other things are attractive - physical beauty, a perception
of "coolness" or style that you envy and would like to
incorporate into your own personality - but overall, the
most attractive thing one can find in a relationship is
understanding.

And I think this is what affinity is about, and what
rapport is about.

There is nothing people seek more than to be understood.

What do I mean by "understood"?

Let me give you an example that I'm sure you can relate to.

I have a friend that is very different from me in terms of
lifestyle, looks, even values.

And yet when we are together, we "click."

I've thought long and hard about this, and I've come to the
conclusion that this guy and I remain such good friends,
despite our differences, because we UNDERSTAND each other.

When he cracks a joke, I GET IT. And vice versa.

When he is telling a story, or even makes a facial
expression, I know why.

I know why he is telling the story - I know what he wants
to illustrate, what values he is showing, and what topics
he enjoys exploring.

I know what he means when he glances at someone sideways,
or if he looks at me a little too long after I say
something ridiculous.

What I'm getting at is that, compared to other people in
this world, I have a high level of understanding about what
is going on in his mind - what his internal mental
experience is at any given point in our interactions.

This is isn't to say that I can read his mind. No, I mean
to say that I can infer what he's thinking to a high degree
based on his outer behavior - his facial expressions,
choice of words, tonality, and a million other things too
subtle and numerous to list.

So how does this relate to developing rapport with an
attractive woman you just met?

You must develop a sense of affinity, or understanding,
between the two of you.

This requires that you each express yourselves as fully and
honestly as possible, without pushing past the tipping
point of discomfort.

How do you - as the man, as the one in the proactive role -
achieve this?

It begins with you, as always. But you must also encourage
her to mirror your level of expression (the Fourth Element
of Personality for those who've read the Attraction Code).

In our Drills Bootcamp, we spend three days drilling into
you the mental foci, and verbal habits that create rapport.

You see, rapport isn't a place you go, or a phase you check
off the list of things to do in a conversation.

Rapport is what happens when you and a woman feel a sense
of affinity, of understanding, despite your differences,
and despite the shortness of time you've known each other.

And this understanding can't be forced, only allowed.

When a woman feels you understand her, she will feel
connected to you, and will want to be with you. But first,
you must draw out her honest expression, and convey that
you "get" her. Women desperately want a man who will
understand them.

It's easy when you know what to pay attention to, and can
effectively convey this to women.


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